In Need of Grace

I have recently found myself extremely on edge and tired. No wonder, you say, considering all that we are going through. But it has caused me to stop and wonder. Why? Why am I on edge and nervous? Is it because of Kaity? All the tests and procedures? The disrupted schedule? Nothing has seemed to fit.

This morning I was feeling particularly nervous as we headed to Children’s Hospital for Kaity’s MiBG scan. I started once again to run through the possible reasons why. It hit me at the corner of Idalia and Iliff… I was concerned about me. I knew I was overly tired and entering a relatively unknown environment. I say relatively because, as a registered nurse for nine years of my adult life, hospitals were more home to me then anywhere else. I get energized by hospitals and I know what to expect. I was usually the one in control.

What was disconcerting to me was that I wanted to somehow maintain that control. Boiled down…I didn’t want to need grace today; I wanted to make sure that in every interaction I had with people at the hospital that I was the one setting the agenda. I didn’t want to need the grace of the admissions clerk as I fumbled for my ID or insurance card. I didn’t want to need the grace of the Radiology staff as I struggled to provide the right information, but not too much. I didn’t want to need the grace of the cafeteria staff as I became just one more tired frazzled parent trying to carry stuffed animals, blankets, bags, and my lunch. I like to be the one giving the grace, not needing it. Why?

When grace is such a wonderful gift of God and evidence of His love for us, why do we resist it? The short answer, pride. Somehow, especially for me in the area of medicine, I want to handle this myself. To claim some sort of superiority over others because I am more familiar with the situation. But at the end of the day, I need grace just like anyone else. And God in His faithfulness always provides. Perhaps the staff at Children’s were silently rolling their eyes at just another fumbling, overly tired parent, but they didn’t show it. Instead we were treated with kindness, respect and grace. I saw and felt Jesus today in a way I didn’t want to, but oh so desperately needed to. And because of this grace I came home today and slept soundly for 3 hours. I now feel clear headed, more rested, and at peace. I know I will still need more grace in the days ahead, but I am confident that the grace will be there for me.

#Living Life